I don’t care what you say, you’ve lied to get out of work or school, and in those moments, your soul surely screams, Ich bin ein Ferris Bueller, baby. The only question is, how creative have you gotten? In honor of the 30th anniversary of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, we decided to ask some of our writers about their own imaginative sick outs.
Sudden Blindness And Grandma’s Fake Funeral
When I was a kid we moved around a lot and I developed a pretty strong hatred toward school. Especially when I knew the situation was temporary, like when we were living in a hotel for a few months when my father had been transferred. During one such educational layover, I dedicated myself to absenteeism. I think I must have been 12 at the time. Unfortunately, the problem got so bad that a truancy officer and a teacher had to come fetch me. Flushed with the realization that I wouldn’t be able to chill out and watch cartoons all day, I panicked and declared that I was blind. They were unconvinced.
A decade later, while working in retail, I again tried my hand at a grandiose performance piece in an effort to get time off; this time, so I could hang out with my then girlfriend (now wife) for the weekend. This attempt involved a staged phone call and an emotional breakdown that went from the front end of the store back to the breakroom and out the front door as my girlfriend consoled me. At its height, I sort of threw myself into the arms of the manager on call as I fake cried about the loss of my grandmother (she was fine) and how she had raised me (she did not). Ah, youth. I had a great weekend, by the way. Thank you for asking. – Jason Tabrys