Thank you for showing me who you really were. For not being gutsy enough to tell me what you really thought of me, of me and you, of us.
After you left, or rather, when you stopped replying my texts/contacting me, I wondered to myself what went wrong. “Should I keep on texting him? Should I pretend that the past few months never existed? Should I leave it as it is and move on?” Before I fall asleep every night, those initial days after your abrupt exit, I questioned what I had done wrong, whether it was something I said, something I did or…
Maybe it was just me. Perhaps I was the reason you decided to disappear.
It has been slightly more than two years since all that happened. Seeing you happily together with a girl who shares a lot in common with you, I still feel slightly bitter. Maybe it was me, the fact that we weren’t very alike. I enjoyed the comfort of staying indoors, whereas you embraced the sun and sea, the elements of nature resonated with you. However, somehow in the few months we hung out, our differences never mattered that much. We’d explore cafes, window-shopped at malls, caught films, shared a drink, etc. on a weekly basis. It honestly felt like we had something going on, something tangible, and something that might actually… last.
The week after you stopped replying, I remember not bumping into you in school as often. However, when we did cross paths, you literally walked pass me without stopping. “Maybe the walkway was too packed, thus he couldn’t see me?” I told myself. Knowing you were going for a race overseas that week, I texted you wishing you luck. An hour or so later, you just replied “thank you”. Was it too much of me to be expecting you to write something like “Hey, thanks. How have you been?” instead?
The next time we met, it was a school event where I was volunteering and you had a race, I offered you the cookies I made, which your teammates took but not you. I decided that I should probably make one last attempt and asked if you were interested in going out someday, in the same upbeat tone I’d usually speak to you in. “Er… I’ll let you know”, was all you uttered and off you went with your teammates. Again, I believed you. But that day, was the last I saw of you. Shortly after, I saw a picture of you and your current girlfriend having pancakes at a newly opened café via social media.
All I can say is thank you for the emotional roller coaster ride.
For always cancelling our plans at the very last minute, making me accommodate to your daily gym schedule, working around your intense training hours to meet up, and for not giving me any prior notice/warning before you left- I finally understand how much our almost-relationship(?) meant to you.
You have taught me how unclarified relationship statuses could greatly affect a person’s emotion. You have taught me how I shouldn’t expect too much from a guy who doesn’t treat you as priority. You have taught me how I’m worth more than being an option.
As clichéd as this may sound, even though me and you never got to become “us”, I still am glad that we happened. I am glad of what we had. I am glad that we ever shared a short span of our life together. At least now I know how much I had meant to you, even if it wasn’t that much to begin with.