Here's how I feel after I watch the news every night:
And I know for a fact that you feel my struggle on some level. Life here on planet Earth is rough, folks.
If you're sick of feeling like you're living in the middle of a dumpster fire, why not hitch a ride on a rocket ship and leave this nonsense behind? Sure, that might be a fantasy right now, but NASA wants us to know that there's potential for some extreme escapism on the horizon.
NASA just released these posters that detail employment opportunities on the Red Planet, and I'm seriously not mad at any of it. If you're interested in taking one small step for man and one giant leap for "get me the hell out of here right this second," check them out.
According to this handy little guide, NASA researchers are embarking on this journey for "all of humanity." I'd prefer if they did it for the portion of humanity that didn't suck, but I digress.
The whole thing feels a little too Uncle Sam for my taste, but I guess it worked back then so my feelings, like all of our feelings, don't matter!
The best part is that if you decide to go through with it, you won't just have to use your vocational skills on Mars itself. You could use them near Mars on its moons, which I'm sure are lovely this time of year except not even sort of.
So how do we get from existential crisis on Earth to professional success on Mars? For NASA, it's a three-pronged process.
Step one is the "Earth-Reliant" stage. During this phase, scientists will study fun stuff like flammability tests and human behavioral analyses aboard the ISS.
Up next will be the "Proving Ground" stage. This is all about learning how to survive and thrive in deep-space environments. They're also going to look into how quickly humans will be able to travel between their new lives on the Red Planet and their messy excuses for existence down here on Earth.
I just hope that the first lesson in these classes on Mars is something to the tune of "how not to behave like a moral trash compactor."
The third and final step is the one we're all anxiously awaiting. Known as the "Earth-Independent" stage, it's at this point when humans will leave the comfort of the ISS for life on Mars.
They wanted this to be done by 2015, but they've pushed their colonization date to 2030, which also seems like a thing that won't happen.
"With humans on Mars," a NASA representative writes, "we will be able to advance science and technology in ways only dreamed of with current robotic explorers."
"Mars missions will represent a collaborative effort among NASA and its partners — a global achievement that marks a transition in humanity’s expansion as we go to Mars not just to visit, but to stay." Terrifying!
I can't tell if I'm horrified or fascinated. Probably both. I mean, it doesn't get more human than this. Why wreak havoc on one measly planet when you can do the same thing on two?
If you want to learn more about NASA's upcoming journey to Mars, be sure to check this out. The future is calling, and it's crazy.